


Things Seshmir Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Warehouse

by CorvusAzure, Muirenn77, redtailedhawk90, willowoak_walker



Category: The Room Where It Happened (Podcast)
Genre: Found Object fic, Gen, Lists, Rules, Silly, listfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 11:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18850327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CorvusAzure/pseuds/CorvusAzure, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muirenn77/pseuds/Muirenn77, https://archiveofourown.org/users/redtailedhawk90/pseuds/redtailedhawk90, https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowoak_walker/pseuds/willowoak_walker
Summary: (And other miscellaneous instructions for staying on Tessa's good side.)





	Things Seshmir Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Warehouse

_The following document is a fair copy of the original, which was scorched, torn, and stained, and was retrieved from the warehouse that Tessa Blackmoor, her girlfriend Ai Abushi, and several other associated criminals live in after the place burned down. It is presented without comment for the edification of the officers of the law who are pursuing these dangerous miscreants._

  1. No more falling in love with our enemies.
  2. No getting houses burned down.  

    1. Sorry.
  3. No making pacts with betrayer gods.
  4. No murdering people in clubs with no questions asked. 
    1. No murdering people in clubs even _with_ questions. 
  5. Seshmir is not your Dad. 
    1. It is not appropriate to tell anyone Seshmir is talking to to "Date that Dad."
  6. Orron is also not your Dad. 
    1. It is not appropriate to tell anyone Orron is talking to to "Date that Dad".
  7. People will stop telling Seshmir that 'Other Dad is scaring me'. 
    1. Orron will stop scaring Corra.
  8. Take your fights to the Temple of Mordan. Orron will tell you how to get there. 
    1. Seshmir, that doesn't mean that you should drag your captured criminals to the temple of Mordan. You are an adult. 
      1. I'm just trying to be helpful.
  9. Seshmir will stop balancing cups of water on people's doors. 
    1. Rule 9 is a lie.
  10. If Seshmir wants us to stop making rules about him, he should stop doing ruleworthy things.
  11. Abominations of science are not pets. 
    1. It's not an abomination of science.
      1. Beings created by insane magicians are not pets.
        1. Yes they are.
    2. Don't be mean to Spidercat, Orron! 
      1. Spidercat's name is _Skitters._
  12. Orron will stop keeping sentient beings in his [word crossed out, replaced by 'sock'] drawer. 
    1. People will stop calling Orron's _empty_ drawer weird things! 
      1. Orron will stop keeping sentient beings in drawers.
  13. Tessa will stop 'doing the right thing.' 
    1. Make me. 
      1. Tessa, we who are your friends have come together to say we care about you.
  14. Tessa will stop sitting backwards in chairs and will strike from her vocabulary the words 'fellow kids'. 
  15. Wyatt will stop banishing himself to the faewilds. 
    1. Tseer, stop falling in love with bad guys was literally rule 1. 
      1. Tseer will stop recklessly risking his life for me.
  16. Wyatt is not allowed to add to these rules. 
    1. But _Otto_ gets to! 
      1. Otto never sent an assassin after us or threatened your parents. 
        1. Okay, fair.
  17. _FUCK_ Stanton. 
    1. Do NOT.
  18. Also do not fuck Love Is Eternal Like The Stars As The Planets Swirl Above. They are a terrible partner. 
    1. Whoever fucked Love will never talk about it again. 
      1. No-one is allowed to add rules to this list _for_ Wyatt.
  19. Trent is not allowed to vape in the warehouse. 
    1. But it's healthier than cigarette smoke! 
      1. Take your cotton candy plume outside, Trent. 
        1. But - 
          1. No, Trent.
  20. The interns are not expendable. 
    1. Not even if they vape in the warehouse. 
      1. Anyone who vapes in the warehouse will have to do whatever obnoxious cleaning chore Corra can find for them. 
        1. Seshmir is not allowed to make a mess because he thinks Trent is going to vape in the warehouse. 
          1. Anyone who doesn't want to be expendable will NOT VAPE IN THE WAREHOUSE.
  21. Seshmir, stop telling people Tessa wants them to follow the Raven Queen. 
    1. I don't need people to follow the Raven Queen but they are welcome to do so.
  22. There will be tequilla stocked in the warehouse at all times.
  23. No-one is allowed to cast drunk. 
    1. Except Seshmir. 
      1. Even Seshmir. 
        1. _Especially_ Seshmir.
    2. Tseer is not allowed to use ki when drunk.
  24. No-one will give the interns alcohol. 
    1. Or Tseer. 
      1. This is because Tseer is a bird, not because he is young.
  25. People will stop blaming Tseer for bird poop.
  26. Tseer will clean up after himself when molting.
  27. People will not use Tseer's feather's for 'art projects'. 
    1. At least not without asking. 
      1. I NEED those! Do you know how many feathers I break and have to repair? 
        1. But my macrame hawk mark 2 will be AMAZING. 
          1. There are other feathers in the world, Seshmir. I am sure you can find some. 
  28. No tracking sewer gelatto into the warehouse. 
    1. When we're covered in sewer how are we supposed to keep it out of the warehouse, Seshmir? 
      1. Warehouse residents are to remove sewer covered clothing and hose off before entering the warehouse. 
        1. Slowly. For the fans.
  29. We will not do anything 'for the fans'. 
    1. Or 'for the vine.' Vines do not care.
  30. No more engagements! They're too dangerous. 
    1. Fuck Ash to Ash. 
      1. How dare they?
  31. People can stop being mean to Wyatt now, please. 
    1. River, we appreciate you, but this list of rules is for grownups. 
      1. We're going to stop being rude to Wyatt _anyway_. 
        1. Displays of massive power aren't cause for kindness.
  32. People will keep their arguments about whether people are nice or not off the public rules.
  33. We will not assume our teammates are undead. 
    1. Woo woo Paladin powers. 
      1. Remember rules 13 and 14.
  34. We are not animals and do not eat our kills. 
    1. I _knoooooooooow_
      1. Telling people not to do a thing they already don't want to do is not helpful.
  35. Tessa will stop being so nasty to Elizabet! They haven't done anything wrong. 
    1. That I can prove. 
      1. They're a good friend, Tessa. Leave them alone.
  36. Tessa will not brag in public about murdering people.
  37. If you are going to break pacts with betrayer gods, please do so outside.




End file.
